31 August 2012

Held hostage by that effing boob tube!

When I grew up, I turned on the television thusly: I walked over to the set, pulled on a power knob and transferred my hand to a second knob (located in close proximity to the first knob) to switch between channels.

Then my parents got a new set with a remote!  It had power, numerical buttons to punch in the channels, and volume control.

Then I got married.  And my husband thinks a television set is incomplete without a full complement of remotes.  There is the LaserDisc remote (I don't think this thing has run in years).  There is the DVD player (it has its own remote as well).  There is an computer to run the recording software (it has a wee little remote, and a mouse, and a keyboard).  There is the television (whose remote can and does turn on and off the DVD player ...).  And let us not forget all the various and sundry other "equipment": speakers galore (he has a speaker fixation), a subwoofer (which is a speaker, but not), and all the processing boxes that signals are fed into and out of (I think a couple of those have remotes as well).  And let us mention the new Blu-Ray player ...

Every couple of years or so, some parts of the system get updated or upgraded.  And each change is supposed to make the system easier to handle and understand.  He says, "We won't need the universal remote, this is going to make it easy enough for you to understand."

And yet, each change brings about the miraculous addition of ANOTHER flipping remote control!

And the worst part of it all?  The absolute glee and joy in my husband's face as I translate his expression, "You want to watch something?  Too bad, I'm going to watch the news.  And there is absolutely nothing you can do about it, because I control the remotes and you don't know how to use them!"

I am held hostage to this boob tube and it really ticks me off.

At some point, I am going to decide that the television programs aren't worth it.  And considering all the crap that most networks are releasing, that time is coming sooner than later.

Because I have a little portable DVD player, and it seems to work just fine.

Husbands, you wonder how your wives can live without something?  Because you have driven us to it.

We watched "Idiocracy" the other night.  Every minute, the SO was backing up the frames to freeze or re-watch something.  I finally had to let fly the threat to end all threats, "If you don't leave that remote alone, I'm going to burn it!" ... or something to that effect.  Thereafter I was able to enjoy the movie in its director and studio intended order.

And you give us that, "What is your problem?" look that makes us want to perform a bodily injury upon your august selves.

Hulu is now one of my dependable tv watching buddies.  'Cause I really do not appreciate your remote and electronic monarchy, honey.

And can you guess who sets up all the computers and most of the accessory equipment?  Me!  Why does that living room array confuse the hell out of me?  Probably because I have not the single basic clue of what all that crap does and why one needs it.

When he added a switcher to my laptop so I could switch between playing stuff (on another TV) directly from the computer or via the DVD player in the office I practically cried.  I had two remotes: the DVD player and the TV.  I can work those just fine.  Now he is trying to turn my safe, comfortable, easy to understand computer office into the remote hell that is my living room.  Someone save me!

I believe there is a very good reason that universal remotes are generally referred to as "marriage savers."  Boys, take it from a wife, it might be one of the best investments you ever make.

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